How To Transcend Emotional Eating (Part 1)

“How can I keep the emotionalism out of my eating habits?”Actually this is a version of a question I get a lot from the women in my community – and that is some version of “how do I break free emotional overeating?”The simple answer: You don’t!

Here’s what I mean. The first thing to notice here is that, inherent in this question, there’s a negative association between emotions and eating. As if we are doing something wrong and we need to sever that tie in order to be free.

Here’s the deal – we are emotional creatures. There is emotion associated with just about everything we do, including eating. In fact, eating is meant to be an emotional experience.

That’s not to say that we always inhabit our full capacity to bring positive emotions to the table.

The problem is, when we don’t recognize the true value and place of emotions in our lives, we can easily fall into a pattern of eating to evade, avoid our stuff down our emotions (eating to numb out), or using food as a substitute for emotions we would like to experience (eating to fill up – you know, that sense that there’s something missing, a void that you just can’t seem to fill.)

I used to do both in alternating cycles without any idea how to bring balance to my emotional world, so I know how frustrating and scary this is. And hell yeah – I wanted to be free of it!

But the way to transcend this is not to “break free”, “overcome” or “strong-arm” it away. And it sure as hell isn’t to judge yourself as bad or weak because you are using food to cope with emotions.

Today I want to share with you Part 1 of the solution, and that is to shift your perception back to a few simple truths about women, emotions and eating…
1. The association between food and love/comfort is hardwired and totally natural. A newborn’s very first experience of being fed also involves being loved, protected and comforted – being held in the arms of a mother or caregiver. So OF COURSE you are going to associate food with comfort. You’re not doing anything wrong, you are following a natural learned pattern. AND, there are other sources of love and comfort that you can explore as an adult that weren’t available to you then.  Judging yourself for this does nothing but set you up for more of the same.  Give that inner child some love and pat her on the back for recognizing an obvious solution.

2. What you’ve done is not who you are.  Have you sometimes overeaten to cope with uncomfortable emotions?  OK, fine, who hasn’t? But this is not your identity.

One of the biggest mistakes I see women make is labeling themselves as an “emotional eater”, “compulsive overeater” or “food addict.”  Labels are what I call a “possibility bandit.” The minute you label yourself, your subconscious immediately goes to work behind the scenes to prove that’s who you are. No matter how much you resist or judge, it will literally have you choose behaviors that reinforce that label over and over again just to preserve that sense of identity. It’s just the way the psyche works. Drop the label and it has nowhere to go. You get a whole range of behavior possibilities back.

3. What you feel is not who you are.  Emotions are simply energy in motion. They are energies that move through you in response to your thoughts. The problem is, we become so identified with our thoughts and the corresponding emotions that we mistake them for our identity. We say, “I am so depressed,” or “I am so angry,” or “I’m stuck, I’m out of control.”

Again, notice the identity thing here – your psyche will grab hold of that and get busy proving it. Plus when you identify with your feelings, that’s when they feel overwhelming because they literally are consuming your sense of Self with a capital S. And, because we label these feelings as bad or undesirable, we naturally want to avoid them, and avoid ourselves! And let’s face it – food works… temporarily.Instead, one of the key strategies I give my private clients is to practice observing and dissociating from their feelings. In other words, be very careful with your choice of words.

Instead of saying “I AM depressed, angry, stuck, etc”, practice identifying the feeling that’s there and say “I FEEL fearful, sad, frustrated, etc.” It also helps to practice naming the feeling in different parts of speech, for example – “I’m feeling fear (noun)” vs. “I feel afraid (adjective)” Play around and see which option gives you the most distance from the feeling itself.I usually give my clients an assignment to practice this for a week. Set an alarm on your phone for several times a day just to check in and name what you are feeling.When you can observe your feelings in this way they are no longer who you ARE, they go back to their rightful place of energy in motion, and you go back to a place of resourcefulness.

So that’s my coach’s challenge for you this week. Take the week to reframe and release any disempowering labels or identities you’ve been lugging around (those suckers are heavy!), and practice naming your feelings with the “I FEEL” language.

In next week’s article, I’ll share with you Part 2 of this process and that is how to emotionally eat the right way!Did something here resonate for you? Leave me a comment below and let me know what you’re taking away!