Old Habits Die Hard

The embarrassing addiction that came back to haunt me.

I have a confession to make. I can be just a little nuts about looking for answers, and about wanting to predict the future. I found out the sexes of both of my kids when I was pregnant. I have a history of worrying obsessively about a future event (real or imagined) and trying to rehearse all possible conversations, outcomes etc. I’ll go on a first date and go straight to imagining us married (remember when you used to write your junior high crush’s last name with your first name all over your PeeChee folder?)

And I used to be addicted to horoscopes. I couldn’t make a decision without consulting my horoscope. I’d read every magazine astrology column I could find while in line at the grocery store.

I want to know what to expect. It comes from a deep-rooted fear of being blindsided, of not being able handle whatever comes up in life. But I had given that up a while back, deciding instead to trust myself and to demonstrate to the Universe that I could pilot my own life. Or so I thought.

Over the last month or so I have found myself back on the astrology sites, looking for answers, looking for someone/something to tell me what’s going to happen. And it feels shitty. It feels like some kind of weird emotional free fall where I am reaching out to grasp whatever rock or outcropping I can reach on the way down.

So what gives???

It’s fitting that my Thirsty Thursday video this week is on Gay Hendricks’ book The Big Leap and his concept of the Upper Limit Problem. Because this is a classic case of my own upper limit problem at work.

I just launched my website, which could certainly be cause for celebration, although I have a hard time allowing myself to relish in that.

But there’s also something deeper at work. It’s Go-time. No more hiding behind the computer working on the site. It’s time to get out there – I AM out there – and I’m terrified that it’s not enough. I suddenly don’t trust myself. I’m manufacturing personal dramas to distract me from that feeling, and to distract me from doing the work. I’m worrying about situations like relationships and finances and divorce negotiations that were exactly the same a few weeks ago but that I’ve simply decided to focus all my attention on now and make them into a problem. And it led me right back to that place of looking desperately for answers.

Where’s the trust?

There’s a saying, “Leap (or in my case, free fall off an emotional cliff) and the net will appear.” Thankfully, now that I’ve experienced living in a place of trust, I can feel the difference so acutely that this fearfulness is unbearable. And with the help of some great support from from my own coach, I’ve been able to find the net. This fearful person not who I really am, and I don’t need a horoscope to tell me that.

The reason a movie is never as good as the book is because you already know the ending. When you are reading a story for the first time, you don’t worry about turning the page because you’re afraid you wont be able to handle what comes next. You relish in seeing how the story unfolds. That’s the way life should be, and I needed to remember that it’s the way I choose my life to be.

So, if you see me at the grocery store line with Marie Claire turned to the astrology page, kindly rip that shit out of my hand!