Making Fear My Bitch

What are you afraid of? Is it something obvious, like heights or sharks in the ocean? Or perhaps it’s more subtle, like going to a fancy restaurant alone, trying a new line of work… or being really honest with someone you love at the risk of losing them.I was recently struggling with a life-altering decision, the consequences of which had me filled with dread, and was challenged by a good friend to “make that fear my bitch.” This instantly became my new mantra and I set out on a quest to conquer any and all sources of trepidation that came my way. First came getting my hair wet in the pool or ocean (fear of looking like a dork – check!). Next came a weeklong vacation with my children (fear of flying and fear of being outnumbered- double check!), and on said vacation a 125-foot tandem bungee jump with the kids (fear of falling – check!). And regarding the aforementioned life-altering decision… I decided to separate from my husband of 16 years (fear of being a single parent at 42 – OK, still working on that one).It’s not that I’m fearless, far from it. In retrospect I have lived a pretty fearful life. I’ve stayed in unhealthy relationships longer than I should have because I was afraid to be alone. As a talented young gymnast, I gave up the sport because I didn’t want to compete and risk harsh judgement or failure. In fact, I shied away from all team sports for fear of looking foolish or letting down my teammates. Most of my friends are probably shaking their heads right now, because I am hardly a wallflower, nor have I lived a timid existence. There are some things I am not afraid of – like commandeering the microphone at karaoke parties, being the life of the party in general, hitchhiking rides home from Tijuana… I’ve even started a couple of little businesses (True, but did my fear of failure stop me from really giving them my all, or was that fear of success?).I wonder how much richer my life would be had I recognized and challenged at least a few of the fears that held me back along the way. But the more I embrace this concept of making fear my bitch, the more I’m finding that facing my fear is not really about the obvious – the scuba diving or ATV-riding kind of stuff. I find it’s the little things that are the most terrifying. It’s the idea of being honest in relationships about my deepest needs and feelings. It’s speaking up for myself in situations that don’t honor my values. It’s letting people see who I really am (writing this blog, for example). It’s choosing a non-conventional career path. It’s making my own happiness a priority even when it requires going against the status quo, and knowing that some of the people I care about may not support me. It’s that kind of stuff that leaves me quaking in my boots.Sure, bungee jumping and singing with the band is exhilarating – heck, I’ll do it all day – but that’s really just thrill seeking. And I’m certainly not advocating splitting up with your spouse as a display of courage. But I’m learning that to truly make fear my bitch is to be authentic, and in a way that’s the scariest thing of all.