The following is a piece I originally wrote for Infinite Possibility: Be The Sky, a blog/forum devoted to helping women achieve spiritual growth, wholeness and nourishment. Wanted to share it with you here as well!
– – – – – – – –
I’ve changed my life. In recent years I have experienced powerful shifts and seen myself take brave, bold action I never knew I was capable of taking. I left a painful marriage and a career that didn’t fulfill me anymore. I have come into a greater sense of alignment with myself, and I finally released a lengthy struggle with bulimia.
As a result I’ve been riding a nice little wave of accomplishment. I’ve been writing about this journey of personal and spiritual growth, enthusiastically sharing all of the new tools and concepts I’m learning, such as: A Course in Miracles – nothing can harm you, all struggle is illusion, there is only love and fear; Truth, Triumph & Transformation –reconstructing false beliefs about oneself, reframing the lies and misinformation from the past; The Big Leap – becoming aware of the “Upper Limit Problem”; and most recently The Mystic Path to Cosmic Power – the practice of self observation and passive detachment.
And the process has been fascinating, and things seemed to be going swimmingly. UNTIL…
I slammed into wall. I’ve come to another layer of the onion. I’ve just come face to face with a dark shadow that lies beneath, and it’s not pretty. I’m seeing my real disease for the first time, or at least more clearly than ever. And it’s not the eating disorder, or the trying to make things look perfect on the outside, or the fear, or any of the other “problems” that I thought I had licked.
What has been revealed is a deeper, more desperate perfectionism, driven by a vicious inner critic. As my coach pointed out to me, I’ve even become a “Spiritual Perfectionist,” using every spiritual teaching above to prove that I still need “fixing.” I’ve turned self-discovery into another form of punishment. It’s almost comical how I’ve used the very concepts that are supposed to free me to set a handy trap for myself – a trap of unattainable expectations of my ability to master these skills and be this perfect, well-adjusted person who doesn’t get upset by anything; who need, want or expect anything from anyone; this über-enlightened being that is totally in control of my own perfect peace and happiness all the time.
For example, I set the intention that I am going to be totally honest with people and give voice to my feelings, but when faced with one of those moments I get scared because I don’t want to seem needy. It’s as though “need” has become a dirty word. I think I am “supposed” to be in charge of meeting my own needs…. So, in that moment, I do nothing. (Well, except punish myself later for not speaking up AND for having needs in the first place.)
What I’m discovering is this: I don’t know how to be vulnerable. Sure, I can sit safely behind a computer and write a self-reflective blog entry, but what about in real life? In relationship? In really putting myself out there in my business? I’ve realized that I am still making up stories that the “real me” is not good enough. Not even for God.
As described in the book Too Perfect by Mallinger and DeWyze, “Perfectionists believe that by being constantly vigilant and trying extremely hard, they can ensure that they not only fail to disappoint or are beyond reproach but that they can protect against unforeseen issues.” Like rejection, for instance. I somehow find it easier and safer to reject myself before anyone else does.
I suppose this new awareness is a good thing. It can lead me closer to the source and unlock the possibility for deeper healing. As the saying goes, “New level, new devil.”
It also makes me wonder how many other women are really suffering from this same common disease? If, when you take a deeper cut at the surface issues that you think are your actual problems – whether it’s people pleasing, inability to say no, body image, eating disorders, compulsive shopping, never having enough time… whatever “it” is – if perhaps in the murky waters beneath lays this same root cause.
And the only solution I can see… the only way to truly free yourself… is to make room for this imperfect person. Not to push her away or bury her, but to acknowledge her pain, allow her needs, and to love, forgive and embrace her.
– – – – – – –
