I have had the most amazing few weeks! I spent the last weekend of August in Santa Barbara for a college reunion with my best girlfriends from UCSB circa 1989. We had perfect weather, a ton of great food, wine, and laughter, and it was so cool to see everybody’s kids – like little mini-me’s all over the place! I even peeled off a few times with my man to enjoy some freakin’ awesome gourmet meals – it was a little slice of foodie heaven! (There we are at Hendry’s Beach – you can only imagine the amount of wild college stories shared among all of these lovelies!)
Then, we spent last weekend in Napa (another food and wine lovers paradise) where we enjoyed delicacies like heirloom tomato salad with burrata cheese and basil oil, hand crafted artisan chocolates, and of course award winning wines. We topped it all off on Sunday with some killer BBQ and a cold Corona. We went for long walks, had massages and made new friends. I relished every flavor, texture and moment of the weekend, because it was a taste of freedom.
That’s a long way from where I was just a few years ago.
In fact it was at during my time at UCSB that my struggle with food first took root. To be totally transparent, for almost 5 years I alternately starved, binged and judged myself through that town. So in a way my reunion trip was like returning to the scene of the crime. And yet it gave me such a beautiful contrast to see how much things have changed and healed for me.
Back then I believed that there must be something fundamentally wrong with me because I couldn’t control my eating, and that if I could only fix or force myself into the perfect body then I would finally fit in and be OK.
There was no way I could connect authentically with anyone because I was too obsessed with what I could or couldn’t eat, and preoccupied with how my body looked and how I measured up to others (of course I was never enough in my own mind). I couldn’t truly engage with others because I wasn’t even in the room!
My eating and body image obsession was the thing that kept me separate, ashamed and isolated, when I just longed to be normal. Many times I would duck out of social situations to hide-and-go-eat, creating even more distance and further depriving myself of the close friendship connections I longed for. My life felt tiny and constricted, while my thighs and stomach felt huge and grotesque.
I wanted desperately to be able to enjoy a great meal like everyone else, and to not have to go do some crazy 3-hour workout afterward to pay for the crime of eating. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be free. I wanted to participate in life. I was hungry – no starving – for the nourishment of connection and belonging.
That’s why the most satisfying part of my Santa Barbara weekend was getting to connect authentically with these special women, and really soaking in all the pleasure of the occasion, from every hug, smile and story exchanged among friends to every bite of delicious food.
And why it fills me with immense gratitude that I am able to enjoy fabulous meals with my fellow-foodie BF, free of guilt, judgement or retribution. (There we are getting ready to chow down at Farmstead in St. Helena.) It makes me want to shout “You’ve come a long way, baby!”
So why am I sharing all this with you? Because if I can find a way out of 20 years of food hell and body hatred, so can you, no matter what your specific challenge is.
I want to show you a new possibility for yourself.
I want you to see it so clearly that you can taste it.
And I’m sharing this with you because I want to give you my secret.
As I looked back and realized how much things have transformed, I had to ask myself HOW I was able to do this. How did what was once a source of such pain and struggle in my life evolve into something that gives me great pleasure?
And here’s what came up:
- I stopped labeling myself (weak, food addict, bulimic, failure, etc.) I hipped onto the Possibility Bandits and called them out on their B.S.
- I realized that my food challenges were not a flaw or weakness, but were actually my soul calling me home. And I listened.
- I discovered the principles of Dynamic Eating Psychology, and used them to build a new relationship with food and with life (Look out for a big announcement from me around this next week!)
(You’ll notice that diet, deprivation, restriction and fixing are nowhere to be found in there…)
3 steps. Yeah, it’s really that simple.
Are you beginning to taste the freedom?
I’m curious, what would freedom taste like for you? Let me know in the comments below!
