My relationship with my mom has been complicated over the years, which is kind of interesting, because I’ve said same thing about my relationship with food and my body.
There was a time when I literally blamed my mom for my eating disorder. I was angry because she hadn’t been a better model of healthy eating and weight. (Truth is, she came to the table with her own painful relationship with food, so there was really a lineage there that went beyond my capacity to understand at a younger age.)
We certainly had our ups and downs as mother and daughter. Periods of intense closeness followed by distance; power struggles marked by her attempts to control me alternating with being allowed to run a little wild; quiet resentments building up to dramatic blowouts. It was a wild ride at times!
I was determined not to be like her, and yet here I was compulsively overeating too, which only fueled my shame, blame and resentment. My guilt over this would drive me to stuff those feelings down, only to erupt later in an angry outburst at my mom or someone else. And I attacked my own body with the same hurtful thoughts I cast toward my mom for not being perfect.
Can anyone see a pattern here? Binge, stuff and purge? Um, yeah.
In the world of Dynamic Eating Psychology, we see that a woman’s relationship with food and her body will often closely track her relationship with her mother (or primary mother figure). Her capacity to nourish and nurture herself will often mirror the way she was mothered. Her disappointments or hurts around her mothering will often be internalized and she will literally act as a stand-in, treating herself the same way she perceives she was treated by her mother.
Here are a few ways to explore what this could mean for you, and how to transcend the old stories:
Look at your patterns of relating. Consider the way you interact and relate with your mother figure. In what ways are you playing out that same dynamic with food or body image? For example, if felt your mother was absent, where do you abandon yourself with nourishment and self care? If your mother was controlling, how does control show up with food? This can feel uncomfortable to look at, but it’s actually quite liberating. Noticing these patterns without judgement allows you to separate yourself from them, reclaim your personal power and make new choices.
Explore forgiveness. What would happen for you if you made the choice to forgive your mother? Forgiving doesn’t mean condoning, it’s simply refusing to let yourself be hurt by the past any longer. It’s accepting what was. It’s recognizing that your parents’ limitations are theirs to own, not yours to carry. It’s seeing that they were likely doing the best they could with what they were given, but you get to choose your legacy.
It’s no coincidence that as my relationship with my mother has healed so has my relationship with food. Plus, I am a mom now so I see the other side of things. I know I’ve disappointed my kids, maybe even $%#*ed them up. Never intentionally, and I pray they’ll forgive me too.
Celebrate the other mothers in your life. Mothering does not come from our maternal figure alone. Look at your friends and other females in your life who nourish and nurture you. Notice the abundance of positive mothering, unconditional love and support you receive from others around you, including Mother Nature! Even if your own mother challenges you, there are likely other sources of positive feminine energy in your life. Bringing attention to these can make you feel more maternally nourished, and less likely to seek what you are missing in food.
Grow into your own best mother. It may sound a little trite, but as mature women we really do need to learn to mother ourselves and be our own source of unconditional love. In fact, I put it up there with the big 3 life victories, the other two being forgiveness and learning to live with uncertainty.
One of the questions I often ask my clients when they are experiencing a challenge or falling into self-judgement is “What do you really wish someone would say to you or do for you right now?” See, we know what we need and we are actually very capable of giving it to ourselves. Question is, can we receive it. Can we allow it to count even if it doesn’t come from that one person we really wanted to hear it from when we were little. Again, this is a choice, and one that can radically transform your relationship with food and life if you are willing to make it.
So as we wind down from this Mother’s Day, imagine what might shift for you if you were to release yourself from the old relationship dynamics, open up to deeper levels of self nourishment, and begin to treat yourself with the love, nurturing and empathy that we as women are Divinely suited for.
What if you were to start giving yourself what you are truly hungry for?
Might open up a few new possibilities, yes?
