Today I woke up and decided to go on a diet. It’s not the first time and it probably won’t be the last.
You see, I had a crappy day yesterday. Something I had been really hopeful about didn’t work out. I was disappointed in the outcome and disappointed in myself for not being able to create the outcome I wanted. I felt powerless, and to be honest even a tinge ashamed. I didn’t even want to share the news with my main squeeze, because I didn’t want to shatter his image of me as “rock star, has-it-all-together girl.”
(Vulnerability is a 4-letter word.)
So I (well actually my subconscious mind) implemented Plan B. It started saying things like, “You know, your stomach’s gotten a little soft lately.” “Weren’t those pants fitting a little looser yesterday?” “You should really do a juice fast for the next 3 days.” In other words, “We’d better compensate for this perceived failure, lack of control, and vulnerability by making your body better.”
And today, I woke up thinking of rules for what I would or wouldn’t eat.
Of course I did! That’s my inner GPS kicking in.
One thing I’ve discovered on my journey through binge eating, chronic food restriction and bulimia, is that I have a very finely tuned inner GPS, an early warning or “homeland security system” if you will.
And if you have been struggling with food in any way, you very likely have one too. Read on to learn why that’s a GOOD thing!
So how does my diet story end today?
With compassion for that part of me that thinks she needs to be perfect to be loved. With feeling my disappointment and breathing into my vulnerability. And with refusing to reject and turn away from my body, and asking instead what would truly nourish her today? I think I’ll have a healthy breakfast and go to yoga.
I was driving around aimlessly for a long time. I was in bumper to bumper traffic on the Body Hate Highway and there was no exit in site.
And I was certain my struggle with food was evidence that there was something wrong with me. The fact that I couldn’t overcome my obsession with calories, my harsh, incessant critique of my body, or my or my urges to binge on sugary foods surely meant I was weak, messed up, or at the very least deficient in willpower.
What I didn’t know at the time was that my compulsive patterns with food were really a finely tuned inner guidance system – my own personal GPS – constantly leading me back home.
And where is home? It’s that place inside your core where you are free, where your needs and desires are valuable and you know the truth that you are perfectly imperfect. It’s that home in your heart where you would never hurt yourself with harmful thoughts, habits, etc. Where the Possibility Bandits don’t dare to enter. I call it your Soul Knowing.
And whenever I drifted away from that – the alarm bells would go off!
My obsessive thoughts with food and my body were simply alerting me to when and where I had veered off course. What I thought was my nemesis was really an invitation, beckoning me to take a closer look at my thoughts and beliefs. It was a sign of spiritual STRENGTH, not an indication of my inherent weakness. In other words, my own spirit was too strong to stand for being squashed down, denied, abandoned, etc. … it had to do something to get my attention!
Instead of recognizing those alerts, I spent more years and & precious life force energy than I care to quantify trying to fix my unwanted food problem or force my body into compliance. I totally missed the message, and so I proceeded on the Body Hate Highway for way too long.
I believe that when we struggle with unwanted food habits or a preoccupation with our bodies – with any compulsion for that matter – it’s simply that inner guidance system showing us that we have veered off course.
That could take a number of forms:
- A hunger you have been afraid or unwilling to acknowledge
- Feeling unable to tell others how you reallyfeel and what you really want
- A feeling of powerlessness in a relationship or life situation
- A lack of fulfillment or nourishment in specific or all areas of life
- A sign from your spirit that what you are saying to yourself isn’t true (I’m not good enough, etc.)
Thankfully I started to notice these patterns, and now when I notice those pesky thoughts and inclinations to suddenly want to fix or change my body, I can tune in. I can ask myself what I’m really craving. I can challenge the assumption that there’s something wrong with me to fix.
So next time you notice that sudden preoccupation with your body, your eating, and wanting to fix or control them, dig a little deeper. Consider the possibility that these impulses are here to help you wake up to your greatest potential.
Lean in a bit and see where your GPS might leading you… it’s very likely to Breakthrough Boulevard.
How does your GPS talk to you? Leave me a comment below and let me know!
