Beyond the Blind Spot

I’ve come to a conclusion. No matter what your spiritual beliefs, whether it’s Jesus, Buddha, the Universe or whatever, I think the greatest Divine gift we have been given as human beings is self-awareness. By this I mean the ability to be aware of our own internal responses to people or events, and the choices that we make in response to them. Because let me tell you, you DO have a choice in how you respond. But when you get away from self-awareness, you have a huge blind spot.Here’s an example of how this blind spot used to work in my life – I call it the Anger Train. A person or event would threaten me, give me a sting. I’d get bugged, annoyed. This is usually a sense of being hurt or wronged in some way. I’d suddenly feel powerless, which I hate. I’d immediately get mad about that, and in a false attempt to reclaim my power I’d fire up, complain, argue, maybe even rage against the perpetrator. (You can imagine how well that would go over!) Next thing you know I was embroiled in a conflict and maybe I’d even “win” the argument. I should feel powerful again, right? No, actually now I’d feel guilty. I knew on a deeper level that I wasn’t being authentic and that would lead to shame, which is painful. So then I’d right back to “hurt” and right back to the Anger Train Station… Ever been there?This process can occur in a matter of minutes, or sometimes over the course of days or weeks, but the end results are the same. And here’s the thing, I used to take pride in that “fiery” approach. “Oh, I’m a Sagittarius, I’m a fire sign, I’m so strong and tough and I don’t take any BS,” I would say. But inside I felt empty. I’m not proud to admit this, but I did this in my marriage frequently. I know I did damage to the relationship and to myself, and that’s on me.[Side note: for any future potential suitors out there I am working very hard to eradicate this habit. I’m really not a rage-a-holic, in fact I tend to me more conflict-avoidant (Yikes, another blind spot! More on that later). My point is, by becoming more aware, I am hell-bent on not carrying past mistakes and issues forward in my life –  guess that’s the good part of being a Fire sign!]Enter awareness. I’ve always considered myself to be pretty self-aware, but I think perhaps I’m finally really grasping it. Now when I feel a sting I am working hard to take a step back and get curious instead of rushing to be the victim. I’ll ask myself what nerve has this touched in me? What am I bringing to this situation? What FEAR has this sparked in me? Here are some common ones – rejection, failure, inadequacy, exposure, intolerable pain – and where do all of those lead? If you take any one of those fears and imagine it came true, it probably triggers a new fear, and on and on down the line until what…? It seems to me they all lead to abandonment or aloneness. And nobody wants to be completely alone. I sure as hell don’t.That’s why self-awareness is such an amazing gift. Shit happens, it always will. Somebody will say or do something that offends or threatens you. And that’s your opportunity to ask the right questions of yourself before you respond, or even worse, react. I can say with 100% certainty that my life has become so much richer by practicing self-awareness (and I am even writing this at home alone on a Saturday night!). Am I suggesting you back down in every conflict? Of course not, but I urge you to consider the possibility that your fears might be leading you into blind-spot territory. Every time I got on the Anger Train, I left my better self behind on the platform, and I felt farther away from the Spiritual energy that nurtures me. In order to do better I had to stop being afraid of admitting I was afraid!Just bringing light to the dark corners of yourself enables you choose to respond to challenges from a different place. Because ultimately, if you are aware of you, if you are aware of your weaknesses and accept yourself anyway, you get to decide what kind of person you want to be in any given moment. And regardless of how a conflict or situation turns out (because you really can’t control anyone else), at least you haven’t abandoned yourself.What do you think? Have you noticed different results in your life when you came from a place of self-awareness vs. reaction?