Sometimes the coolest gifts come in unusual packages. A few years ago I would have never imagined that I would be expressing thanks for my experience with an eating disorder. But on a day like Thanksgiving, which can be one of the hardest days of the year for someone struggling with food and body image (as it certainly used to be for me), it seems fitting. So this is for the 40+ million Americans struggling with some form of disordered eating… that they too may see the hidden blessings within their experience.
Of course I am thankful that I am no longer afraid of this day, that I have learned to trust my body’s wisdom and its natural rhythms, and that I achieved greater peace with food, by body and my needs. I am thankful that I can enjoy a special meal without all the rules, restriction, self-judgement and subsequent rebellion characterized by a binge. So, yes, I’m grateful to be free, but even more so I am grateful for the many gifts my bulimia had for me.
Thank you, bulimia, for trying to protect me when I believed that I was unlovable if I wasn’t perfect, that I’d be abandoned if I got heavy. Thank you for serving as a way to release the build up of tension and anxiety that came from not feeling safe to express my deepest desires and needs. Thank you for giving me even a small sense of control when I felt completely powerless in my life.
Thank you even more for showing me that my personal power would not be denied. I see now that the strength of my spirit was willing to go to great lengths to get my attention, even so far as a painful, dangerous and self-destructive habit. You see, the light deep within me would not be dimmed. All those years of buying into the labels and the message that there was something wrong with me (disordered, weak, abnormal) created exactly the contrast that was needed for me to see that there is in fact nothing wrong with me. It created the perfect conditions that forced me to take a deeper look to discover the truth of who I am and the inherent value I have just because I am.
Thank you for teaching me to recognize my intuition and to be proud of my emotional sensitivity, and for teaching me the sensations in my body that signal when I am not living or thinking in alignment with my true authentic self. Boy, did I get the message loud and clear!
Thank you, bulimia, for the pain of my experience, because without it I may not have developed the depth of compassion, empathy and caring I feel for others on a similar journey. I may not have been led to learn the lessons I am here to learn for the evolution of my soul. And thank you for the confidence that I received as a result of letting go of you – a dream that once felt impossible, because it helped me to see that I can achieve anything.
Without you, might I have shed fewer tears, experienced less suffering and isolation? Perhaps. I used to wish, no, long to be “normal”. Now I know there’s no such thing, there’s only what feels normal, healthy and good to ME, and I can stop holding myself to that unattainable standard.
Essentially, my experience with bulimia prepared me to able to carry out my purpose, and to be of service in the world from a place of courage and understanding. To be strong and bold when others can’t. To be a mirror of truth for those who need to see a new reflection of themselves.
To quote one of my favorite Incubus songs, “We all have a weakness; we all have something that digs at us.” Whatever your weakness, whatever digs at you, whether its food, addictions, relationship issues, whatever it may be – I believe that this time around your soul – like mine – simply has important work to do, both in your own growth and in the world, and it’s calling you. I’m up for the challenge. Are you?
Michelle, I celebrate all of this with you, for you, and for myself! This is so powerfully written! Thank you for being so bold and willing to share your life-changing beliefs about bulimia.
This is about as far from “Hi, I’m [name] and I’m bulimic” as you can get! (Talk about labeling yourself!)
I wish I’d had you as a coach when I was suffering with anorexia and bulimia. I wouldn’t have had to suffer through 12 step groups, therapy, group therapy, rehab, and relapse before finally finding my own way.
It took 10 years, start to finish, and I got some helpful things from almost everything I tried. But in the end, it was coaching like yours, creating new beliefs inside me, that allowed me to create a right-for-me life, and in the process of that, the eating disorder evaporated!
Your work will change the way eating disorders are discussed and experienced.
Love,
Melody